This is something I've thought a lot about the past few years, so will throw in my 2c.
I've helped a lot of guys, and many of them have had partners who cheated.
What I see all the time when we dig into stuff - cheating isn't the *start* of the problem. It's what happens after bigger issues have built up invisibly for a long-ass time.
Useful to keep in mind before we go further: even if you contributed to the issues, it's still not your fault.
BUT you do get to choose how to respond.
A lot of people say run, don't walk, and that's a valid personal choice for many... but then there's a lot of complications:
- How do I avoid it happening again?
- What about our kids?
- What about the life we'd built together?
- What about the cost of separation?
So I'm not one for immediately throwing out the whole person. But how to trust them again?
Figuring out WHY could help a lot with that (and help with knowing whether there's anything worth saving... and help with avoiding future repeats when moving on).
So why DO people cheat?
The common reason I see, if people are feeling generous, is that there were "needs that weren't being met."
But if that's the whole reason, why don't people just SAY that, and then work on it?
What I've seen time and time and time again: it all comes down to safety.
Safety in a relationship is basically feeling totally safe to share *anything* with your partner, even your messy, angry, or sad feelings, without worrying they'll get mad, judge you, or somehow use it against you. When that safety isn't there, people start to hide their true thoughts and feelings, bottling everything up.
This hiding builds up walls, kills open talks, and makes partners feel more and more alone and misunderstood, eventually eroding trust and making the whole relationship feel like a trap.
But we're usually not even especially angry or argumentative or depressive people... so WHY would she feel unsafe to share?
Unfortunately, as humans, we're kinda built for survival, not for thriving. So people have an irrational, almost animal part in their brain relating to fight or flight (the amygdala), and it absolutely sucks at telling the difference between a real existential threat like a tiger running towards us... and simple things like an argument.
So he or she (the cheating partner) goes from feeling good with you... to hiding little things from you... to hiding a whole other life from you... by just a thousand tiny steps towards the cliff's edge. Until it's so impossible to talk about it all that they feel their only option left is to jump.
The really cool thing though, that we've seen in many hundreds of cases: being able to make her believe you're not going to be mad or sad or anything, and letting her talk, is enough to begin rebuilding safety. Then all the dumb stuff that came between you is surprisingly easy to fix.
PS - if you've ever felt the divide of missing safety suddenly manifest in your relationships, ever bounced from blissful ignorance to impending doom, reach out. We can help you build that safety back.
