Stop Feeling Overwhelmed
I remember that evening in December 2021 when my wife told me "I don't really care anymore if we divorce."
The weeks after, I was a mess, alternating between hopeful and hopeless. Giving in to the urge to say dumb stuff, do dumb things, and pour it all out.
- I made a fool of myself a bunch,
- then tried to have some dignity...
- but failed again more often than not.
It was like being trapped in the swirling water at the foot of a waterfall, swimming up to get a breath, then pushed back down again...
In the program I joined a few months later, I saw hundreds of guys and gals in the exact same position. Over and over. Up, and back down.
Coaching them later, I saw it again every single day.
Funnily (not funnily) I really WAS trapped in a loop.
In what I refer to as the "Comfort Trap."
The Comfort Trap is a cycle where anxiety, guilt, and powerful urges take us two steps forward, then three steps back.
But escaping this cycle is 100% possible. Here’s how you can begin your journey, without falling back into old habits:
Understanding the Comfort Trap
The comfort trap begins with blazing motivation that quickly turns into overwhelm. You might start out trying to negotiate with your partner, persuading them to consider therapy, or worrying about the kids – and before you know it it's too much. This frantic pace feels like you're a boiling kettle, overcharged with unfamiliar emotion, and you need to let some out or you'll explode.
The result? Short-term comfort-seeking behaviors like overindulging in food, drinking, or anything else that might offer relief, and you feel better for a moment...
But all your motivation is gone along with it. You wake up in the mess you've made, more demotivated than ever, full of guilt and embarrasment for not meeting your own standards... and that only fuels the cycle to repeat faster the next time round.
So how do we get out of it?
- Acknowledging this trap is the first step toward getting out of it. Recognizing cycles you've already been through, what thoughts about the destination, the outcomes, sent you into the tailspin in the first place, so you can spot them early.
- The second is to create a buffer between emotions and actions - to temper our reactions - after all, nothing we do can change the reality of the present moment. We can only take small steps. The big feelings don't help us - they only send us looking for certainty, for shortcuts, for instant relief - and our partners can't give that to us.
- Recognise that the guilt doesn't help either - it doesn't help those we say we care about. It doesn't help us. It only boils the kettle faster. Only working on ourselves day-by-day, and taking lots of small steps, can ever help.
The Danger of Short-Term Comforts
Short-term comforts, while providing temporary relief, are more than just damaging in the short term... they're addictive. The longer we stay in the loop, the more times we succumb to these urges, the more we become a "glutton for punishment."
The momentary high of relief leaves us crashed out later on, below our baseline level of feeling okay... which makes us crave even more harmful comforts, and take the escape route even sooner, rewarding us inconsistently each time. It's like a pokie machine where you show up more and more just to pull the lever... sometimes you win, but ALWAYS you lose.
Answering the Call to Adventure
Instead of chasing immediate comforts, shift focus from the destination, from reconciliation, from certainty, to the Journey itself. This initiates the Call to Adventure, where balanced motivation: wanting to work on it, not needing to have it, is the rule.
Just like Frodo and Sam setting off from the Shire, focus on the Journey strengthens you over time, even if you "do not know the way."
Maintaining Motivation Through Consistent Action
Staying focused on the Journey helps avoid the pitfall of "just staying in motion." The destination in the far distance is rightfuly considered "just a distraction," and we keep concentrating on the actual steps in front of us - encouraging new growth in your relationship:
- Developing better communication skills,
- Listening more attentively
- Learning new ways to interact with your partner
These are all powerful actions, and consistency (from focus on them) is key.
Transforming Your Life & Relationship: Break Free from the Comfort Trap
Breaking out of this cycle requires consistent action, aligned with the hero’s journey. Walking away from motion into meaningful steps guarantees movement in the right direction, no matter how slow it seems.
Every small victory (celebrate them!) counters the urge to sprint towards the destination prematurely, and stumble back into the Comfort Trap. Every listen, every small effort towards understanding your partner, paves the way to a relationship full of safety, admiration, and alignment.
Ask yourself, have you been caught in the comfort loop recently?
If so, spot the triggers, refocus on actionable steps, and temper your response to take charge, rather than getting caught again.
Remember, each step taken, however small, is progress on the journey. Keep going!
And stay awesome.
PS - check out the vid on this exact topic, below!