Breaking The Cycle: Rebuilding Trust And Saving Your Marriage

Once trust is broken, both partners find themselves trapped in a cycle of blame and misunderstanding.

But, are you tired of the blame game? Do you want to break free, and mend your relationship? 

Hi, I'm David, a relationship coach who has not only rebuilt his marriage from the brink of separation, but helped many others save theirs. When you're caught in the cycle of blame, both partners suffer. The person who had the affair feels attacked and blamed, while the betrayed partner feels punished merely for expressing their feelings. It's a vicious cycle that pushes couples apart. But it doesn't have to be that way…

### Step 2: Rebuilding Trust

Imagine a collapsed brick bridge. The revelation of the affair is like the blowing-up of that bridge. In the immediate aftermath, anger feels justified. You think you're asserting yourself, and you have every right, but why then does all this wrath only leave you feeling more powerless? Instead of rebuilding what's been ruined, you only end up destroying the environment further, pushing your partner away when you’d expected her to come back begging for forgiveness.

However, seeking to understand is the only thing that will eventually beat blame. By understanding your partner's perspective, putting yourself in their shoes, you will find it harder to stay angry. This doesn’t make you weak - you simply realise that she’s her own person, and you stop trying to control her, or the world outside yourself. When you focus only on what you control - your own thoughts, words, actions - you change from being a powerless victim, to a hero. I call this the "hero mindset." Focus on what you can control—your thoughts, your actions, your own half of rebuilding the bridge.

### Step 3: The Importance of Safety

Safety is the foundation of rebuilding trust. By creating a safe environment, open communication becomes possible. It's not about agreeing to everything your partner says, but accepting their reality without judgment. Safety is achieved by listening more, talking less, and having a genuine curiosity about your partner’s feelings - not simply reacting to them. It's about making them feel heard and understood, creating space for them to express their deepest thoughts, without fear of judgment.

Many people, myself included, have turned their relationships around by prioritizing safety. From daily chats that turned into late-night conversations into the morning, trust was rebuilt, stronger than ever.

### Step 4: Employing the Bandage Script

To rebuild trust and open communication, employ what I call the "bandage script." When your partner expresses something significant, instead of reacting defensively, respond with:

- "I’m going to be quiet and just listen."

- "I'm still here, and I’m not doing this because… <insert misinterpretation she might have>"

- "I’m going to be quiet, because in the past I… <what you did, why you did it, how she might have felt>"

- “By listening quietly, I want to… <how you want to show up differently, how you want her to feel as a result>”

- "How does this sound to you?"

By doing this you're not only listening, but demonstrating to your partner that things have changed. Stay persistent and they'll notice, and begin to feel the beginnings of safety - which is precisely what brought you together in the first place, all those years ago!

### Conclusion: Be the Hero

At the end of the day, rebuilding trust is about shifting from a victim to a hero mindset. It’s about focusing on what you can control, creating a safe space for your partner, and rebuilding that bridge from your side. It's not an easy path, but achieving safety in your relationship can overcome any challenge. And if you found value here, stay connected for more insights on how to save your relationship.

By embracing these principles—safety, understanding, and a hero mindset—you can transform your relationship forever, and inspire the people around you. I saved my family, and you can save yours too. Stay awesome.